WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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