like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
