Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
