He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
