I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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