I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
