My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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