I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
