i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
