Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
