I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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