puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Shame is for Republicans.
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