Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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