the condom got lost in my hair
what day is it and did you see me today?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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