Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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