It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
