Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
