Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
