I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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