Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
MIDGETS
????
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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