when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize