Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
