..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
