Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
