needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
