I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
