whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just threw up on my dentist
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let's get the cat blown out
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize