I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize