When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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