the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
