We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
