why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
