you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
