I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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