you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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