this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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