I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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