she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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