I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
this must be what syphilis tastes like
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
