i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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