My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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