Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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