im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
