I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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