When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
