Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
