I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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