You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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