how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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