Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
