im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
