she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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