Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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