Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
