well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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