No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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