I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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