Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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