I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
