Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize