i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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