I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
