My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
